Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
