dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
