I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
