I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize