i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
