She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
