He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
