was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
