Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
