I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
What a dumb baby whore.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
