Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
