just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
