On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
