If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
