he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
