she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
