I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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