he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
