We won't sleep together?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
