Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
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