I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
