i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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