Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
