Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
