I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
