Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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