Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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