I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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