OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
