I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
