I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
