So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize