Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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