I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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