the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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