just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
