you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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