i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
