Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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