And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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