Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
