Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I supernannyed him into submission
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
