he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I need to stop coming to work sober
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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