I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
