u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
