My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
