Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
