I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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