Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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