you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
