I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
