My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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