I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize