Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
