We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
