Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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